Autism

How my childs autism has changed me.

A  few years ago something happened that to be honest we were probably expecting would one day happen but really hoped it never would.

I woke up at 5am with Little Bear who had been awake during the night and went to check on him and put him back to bed.

Off he went back into his bed and lay down and was quiet so I went back to sleep as I was so exhausted from him being awake all night and never  heard a noise out of him so I was happy he was going back to sleep.

The alarm went off at 7am as usual and I got up to go check on Little Bear and found he wasn’t in his bed, here we go I thought to myself,  he’s probably downstairs like always and either watching cartoons again or has went into the snack cupboard.

But when I went into the livingroom he was no where to be seen and the livingroom window was wide open.

Little Bear had managed to open the window and get out after I had fallen asleep the first time I checked on him.

I can’t possibly put into words how I felt that day, I thought I would die there and then, I felt like my whole world was over, like the ground was swallowing me and straight away all I pictured was the worst.

I thought I would never see my baby boy again, all I can remember is screaming and running out of my house frantically looking for my child.

I have never felt fear like it in my life and every time I think about it I just want to cry, I feel sick just thinking about what happened and what could have happened.

I feel guilt every time I think about it, and blame myself for not being more careful and for falling asleep that day, even though I know I’m only human and did everything I could to make sure he was in his room and asleep.

I sometimes will still wake up and feel like im going to re live that nightmare all over again.

I’m the mother who now has every single window, door, you name it all locked up in order to prevent something happening to her child.

I’m the mother who struggles to sleep at night in fear that her child will escape again, even though she has put in every possible thing she can to keep her child safe.

I’m the mother whose heart is constantly beating 100 miles an hour for the fear of what might happen if she turns away even for a second.

I’m the mother who feels physically sick every time she hears about a missing child.

I’m the mother who is so afraid to let go of her child for the fear of the unknown.

Having a child with autism has changed who I am, I am now much more fragile, more sensitive to other people’s needs, my fears are more heightened and I’m far more alert to the dangers around me.

Every day brings a new challenge for us but also everyday I give thanks for another day that my child is safe and well.

All I can do is my best and put in all the safety measures that I can for my childs safety and keep helping him to understand what is safe and what isn’t.

Elisabeth x

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2 Comments

  1. You’re really inspirational, people really under estimate how difficult it can be.

    1. Awk thank you so much! That’s very kind of you to say. X

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