It’s been a while since I have written a new blog post and as the days go by I’ve found it harder and harder to have that time to sit and write something.
I have always felt that if I was going to write anything it would have to be a really good piece, something I would be proud to put my name to and other people would love it too. But then I realised that’s not why I have always written, that’s not why I decided to start blogging.
Writing has always been a passion of mine, something that I have found comfort in doing since I was a small child.
When my dad passed away it was one of the things that give me comfort, I may not have been great with words at that age but I knew how I felt inside, I knew the feelings I wanted to let go of.
I was able to express how I was feeling, I was able to offload those feelings and let go of them without keeping them inside where they were only causing me more hurt.
It’s one of the things that has helped me throughout my life when I’m going through tough times.
To be honest that’s not why I decided to write today though, today I decided I would write something from the heart, something honest and raw.
The past few days have been quite challenging, and I have found myself stuck in a rut again where I have no motivation and every day just seems to be the same thing, every day I wake up and i’m already thinking about bed time.
Unfortunately I don’t really deal with the summer holidays too well, they’re one of the toughest times of the year for me and my family.
Little Bear doesn’t understand that the school year is over and that he won’t have any school for 8 weeks, he craves that routine of getting up every morning and getting dressed for school, in fact we have had a couple of days where he has asked to get dressed for school and asked to go to school, he’s so used to that everyday routine and knowing exactly what will happen everyday that the holidays completely throw him out of sorts and make him anxious as he’s unsure of what will happen the next day.
His behaviour has been very very challenging lately, everyday since school finished he was been waking up in the middle of the night and will spend the whole night awake.
He will shout, kick, throw and hit the walls all night long.
When it’s morning it doesn’t stop, this will go on all day and the noise will continue all day long until he has a couple of hours sleep during the night.
Every night we are wakened by the same thing, it’s been so difficult that some days I just don’t know what to do anymore.
I have nights where I have been very close to getting into my car and just driving to get away from all the noise.
Days where I wish I had a pause button on life just so I could get 5 minutes of peace and quite, 5 minutes where my head doesn’t feel like it might explode from all the noise around me.
I’m not writing any of this to get any sympathy or pity, I want to give people an awareness of what the life of a family whose child has autism is really like.
There is still so many people out there that don’t have much awareness of autism, and that’s not their fault of course, I remember before Little Bear was diagnosed I had never heard of autism and had no clue what it was.
I also know that many people still think that a person with autism is someone who is super talented and gifted.
There may well be a small percentage of autistic people who do have these characteristics but everyone who lives with autism will tell you, if you have met one person with autism, then you have met one person with autism.
No two people with autism are the same, even twins with autism will be very different.
For my family autism means that my child has many struggles, it means that we have very long nights where he won’t sleep, it means he doesn’t know how to control his emotions, it means that he struggles to communicate his needs and wants to others, it means that life is that little bit harder for him and for us.
I love my child dearly but I hate the fact that he has autism! It’s the hardest thing that we as a family have to deal with on a daily basis.
I hope to be able to bring as much awareness as possible to other people when it comes to my childs autism.
I want him to be able to grown up in a society where he has understanding from others, where others won’t judge him because he behaves in a way that may be different to the way they behave.
To me the most important thing we can teach our children is not to judge others.
No one knows what goes on in anyones life, we don’t know how anyone else feels, we don’t know the daily struggles they face.
I hope that my being honest and talking about some of the struggles that I face will help in the way of understanding what it’s like for families who have children with autism.
I hope that other mums who are struggling can open up and talk should they need to vent.
I hate the thought of any one feeling alone in their journeys, we should all be able to help each other if we can.